Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
