Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I yelled at your uterus for you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
