I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My vagina is officially offended.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
