turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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