Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
