I accidentally burped into my bong.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
