well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
