apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
