I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
