he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
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Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?