I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.