she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??