2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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