I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Randomize
