why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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