Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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