as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
