walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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