My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
