If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
