my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
