Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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