I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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