Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
sex in a hospital.. check
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
