turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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