Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
