You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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