I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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