i permit you to call me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
