You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
