No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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