shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
