we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
