Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
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HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
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I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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