i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Randomize
