The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
