i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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