Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
