I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
