pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
