see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
