A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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