I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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