so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
