Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
