Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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