so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
