I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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