He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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