I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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