Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
