Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
