happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
