mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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