she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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