first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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