i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
