I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
