maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
