Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
