I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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